


UNO, The other friend killing game.

by KingFranPetty



Series: Funky Launchpad x Jim x Drake threesome [7]
Category: Darkwing Duck (Cartoon 1991), Darkwing Duck (Cartoon 2018), DuckTales (Cartoon 2017)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Arguing, Card Games, Conflict of Interests, Constructive Criticism Welcome, Dark Character, Death Threats, Dialogue, Dirty Thoughts, Dubious Ethics, Dubious Morality, Enemies, Fights, Insults, M/M, Obsession, Obsessive Behavior, Out of Character, Possessive Behavior, Rival Relationship, Rivalry, Swearing, Talking, Threats, Threats of Violence, Villains, Violent Thoughts, Yandere, You Have Been Warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 18:57:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19025941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingFranPetty/pseuds/KingFranPetty
Summary: Launchpad McQuack, Drake Mallard, and Jim Starling play UNO. I picked Uno for a reason, I'm sure I don't have to explain why.





	UNO, The other friend killing game.

I like UNO because I always win when I play it. It's fun to win a rage game, but never to lose. If I wasn't as good as I am with this 4 color card game, I'd probably hate it as much as everyone else around me does. Thing is, it's one of the very few games that I can actually win. Videogames, checkers, chess, poker, sports, and seemingly everything in the world just doesn't work with me. Mostly because I don't know how to half them if not all. 

That's why I cannot join the characters in this, beyond the request of creating a new physical form, I am The Author and my job is make the story entertaining. It's not entertaining to watch some rando Mcfucking jackass win at Monopoly for no reason. It wouldn't be interesting to see that with me. This might be my favorite game but I won't play. Be thankful for that, Reader. Of course, I can't control how you think or feel but I can explain why I think or feel something. What I'm saying is that I'm missing out on some good UNO. Well not quite yet. 

Launchpad McQuack pulled out a box of rainy day games. They were all boring or rage inducing, rare few are both. Still, there wasn't too many other options that would get his current hero and his childhood hero to talk to each other. Video games would let both of them look at the screen, so they could justify not talking outside of shouting matches. Sports would risk them murdering each other. A boring game would dull both of them to apathy and wanting to do something other than whatever they were playing. Hopefully at least, it was likely that McQuack's plan for everyone getting along wasn't going to pan out. 

I won't fault him for this one. It's not his fault that I exist nor wanted to make a superhero fight a supervillain. That'd be media and my parents. Maybe if someone hadn't read me that mouse head comic book, I'd be a little more open to blurring the sides of good and evil. You didn't see what he did to her, You don't know what I saw. I can't unseen that, I was a child dammit! Backing away from my childhood trauma and returning to the story. Launchpad McQuack picked up a set of cards. It was kept together as a deck solely by a rubber band wrapped around it. 

The red, black, and yellow back displayed what was about it throw down upon this day, UNO. No more words needed be said but it's my job so I will anyway. Launchpad called into the living room, "Do you wanna play UNO?!" The only one person who actually wanted to play UNO is me. I can't do that, Dave. However, they both lied so they could do anything other than have to look at the other. "Sure!" This lie didn't stop them from realizing what they just agreed to. It's still UNO. Neither of them wanted to deal with that can of worms. Ironically so, cause birds. 

Puns and bad jokes aside, Jim Starling and Drake Mallard put a hand to their own face out of sure "I done fucked up." They should be happy I'm not physically existing there, then they would have goofed it. That would have been bad just out of what could happen to reality if Goofy and Launchpad McQuack were to exist in the same room. A possibility for the future if I wanted to show how to use the butterfly effect to destroy everything. I'm not giving Negaduck those ideas right now. 

I'm not the smartest person in the whole, wide, wild, world, thanks for reminding me of that everyday of my childhood parent who read the mouse head comic book, but I am smart enough to know not to help the chainsaw welding murderer. It's rather simple too. Back to card games. Launchpad McQuack was shuffling the cards and walking into the living room. Mallard and Starling were both disappointed to see that McQuack had gotten the right card game. He didn't somehow mistake poker for UNO. 

Which they didn't realize was a good thing, as the only poker cards in the house are standard template or the porn kind. My favorite are the spades and hearts. Yes, I am looking at the cards as I narrate. Why do you ask?... No, I'm not going to tell you what they look like. Do I look like that kind of Writer? I write pornography a few 35+ times or more and people think I'm some kinda jack weed. Fucking bullshit. 

Oh yeah, Ducks. The two ducks on the couch tried to hide the growing feeling that this night was going to go terribly. It's not that bad, for me at least. Launchpad asked, "Is it 7 or 8 cards?" Drake answered, "It's 7." Jim corrected wrongly, "It's 6." I don't actually know, normally I let other people vote the number. I try to keep it above five. It's actually 7, for the time being. I'm siding with the hero because reasons. 

Launchpad shrugged and gave everyone 5 cards, which was somehow worse. Mainly because all the cards he pulled out sucked eggs. The best one was a red reverse and that was the first played card. Good, if you take into account that making Drake or Jim pick who plays first would be bad for most living beings in the room but bad if you think about how nobody had a red card or a reverse. Drake Mallard took a card, blue 8. "Launchpad, next time I'm handing out the cards." Drake told him, not out of sour feelings but just because the cards McQuack pulled out sucked eggs. 

However Jim didn't take it that way, he took it differently. "Oh, so you can cheat at a "family friendly" card game, Dorkwing Duck?" Jim Starling hissed mildly. Salt and sour, I can't think of a food where that's a good idea. Starling took a card, green. "No, because no one has picked a single red card yet." Mallard droned. He was done with Jim's bs. If I was guessing why, I say that it was somewhere between the betrayal by his childhood hero and artificially, inflatied, ego. You know, for conflict. At least until I can write Mark Beaks without killing him within the first 100 or so words. 

I would like to murder him and I'm sure a lot of people agree with that, I have to keep canon characters alive until the story outside of fanfics gives me a reason to say someone could be Dead Meat. If I don't want people pulling Death of The Author on me, regardless of my reasoning, I should give due respect to my fellow Creators. Meaning that I am going to be wrong a lot of the time. McQuack got a card, it wasn't red. He looked back at his cards. Like everyone else, his cards sucked. "Please don't fight over a card game guys, I can get another game if you want." He offered. 

Checking on that box of rainy day games, there's Scrooge McDuck monopoly, poker, poker but with porn cards, go fish but fundamentaly wrong on the most basic level, and somehow a hidden Mickey. I guess that just happens when Disney. Be happy I didn't just write Mickey Mouse x Donald Duck smut for the day, by the way. "No, it's fine. We can just play UNO." Jim Starling and Drake Mallard lied again. Jim looked up from his cards to glare at Drake. 

"Fucking copycat hack job." Starling grumbled to himself. Drake Mallard heard that, he wasn't happy with that. "What was that, mass murderer? I can HEAR all that well after you tried to put your chainsaw in my ears." Mallard replied in kind. Drake pulled another card, oh look it's not red. Jim Starling had heard that reply. Not to mention it too much but this UNO game sucks. Everyone is either both sour and salty or trying to avoid having two people from killing each other. The cards suck eggs. And none of them have been able to play any cards. 

That's it! It's strip UNO now!! My kind of strip UNO at that. Come on, Jim! Make the suggestion. Do it. Jim pulled the first red card this whole game, it was a draw four. Okay, strip UNO can wait until I get bored or something again. Of course, Jim Starling was boostful about the card and playing it. "FINALLY! Suck on a draw four, Dimwit Duck." He boosted his voice before doing an evil chuckle. He is a villain, he kinda has to do the evil laugh at least once. It's sort of a thing. 

"It's not my turn." Drake Mallard dully noted, "It's Launchpad's turn." He pointed to said Launchpad McQuack. Who was already trying to make sure he hadn't gotten too many cards. It wasn't hard to check, he hadn't. Now Jim's small victory was dashed in bittersweet and just plain bitter. He just wanted to beat that hack, not the ball of loveable. Not that the darkness that had eaten his soul and heart would ever let him say that last part aloud to McQuack. It already burned to be so close to the sunshine as it stood. 

As soon as Jim Starling could find a reverse card, he was going to use it and throw as many draw cards as he could at Drake Mallard. Purely out of spite, which is also the reason why he's doing much of anything outside of stalking Launchpad everywhere. Speaking of ways in which I used my ability to out of character, Drake found himself thinking about how he felt about his hero before said actor had fallen as far as he did. It was a feeling so rosey and golden with nostalgia blindness, Mallard had to force himself back to the present. McQuack played a red one. This bores me, next. 

Drake Mallard picked another card, not red. Fate was cruel to our hero. Not as cruel as Negaduck planned to be with his chainsaw if he saw Drake alone in a dark alleyway mind you. I doubt too many things can do that level of cruelty. At least not on my watch. Speaking of everyone's favorite duck, criminal, dick bag, Jim Starling still existing. He played a blue one, assuming no one else had any blue cards. He was wrong. 

Launchpad McQuack drew another card. Drake Mallard, however, played that blue 8 from earlier. This course of events boiled the black running through Jim Starling's dark heart. You know, because Edgy. "I'm going to ring your neck, Dead Meat Duck." Jim steamed in anger. Not the most extreme response I've ever seen in UNO but it's getting up there. Launchpad put his arm between the shark toothed killer and the number one on his list to kill. It sounds a lot less reasonable than it actually is when I say it like that. 

Reasonable is a strong word for this. More like, not trying to get everyone killed. Jim threatened Drake, "One day, You are going to wake up without legs or arms. Hear me clearly yet, copycat?!!" Launchpad moved his arm to hold the raging duck back. It's an odd point where I can talk about two different raging ducks with sharp teeth in my life. Which makes me wonder if I can solve this duck problem the same way before. 

Maybe slapping Negaduck with bread is a bad plan. It'd be worth it just to say I did to whatever afterlife I'm going to for that SHIT. Even if they already know, that's an impressive way to die. Really gives new context to the fear of a duck in the world plotting against you, always watching. Then again, Negaduck existing already gives that fear way too much reason to exist in this universe. Drake Mallard really didn't know how to deal with the grown man threatening him over a card game. He is new to this superhero thing. 

Drake reacted poorly to the situation. "Why are you so pissed off by me playing an 8!? It doesn't even do anything!" He countered. Jim drew another card, it wasn't blue. That's enough card play before he exploded again. "I don't need a FUCKING reason to want to rip you limb from limb, cheap knock off." Jim Starling spat. Launchpad McQuack played another numbered card. The color was red again. "Jim, stop trying to murder people I care about!" McQuack cried out. 

Jim Starling explained, "You shouldn't care about my inferior double. I already exist and I'm better than any glory hog rip off!" He aimed those last words at his counterpart. Drake Mallard drew another card, yellow. That color had become more about warning signs and police tape compared to smiley faces and sunlight. It was salt in his cuts, but somehow he didn't feel angry enough about it. He didn't want to think about that last part right now. Maybe it's the same reason why all these insults still stung. 

That's my guess. "I'm the inferior double, huh? Funny, you were the one that fell from the heroic ideal if I'm remembering correctly." Drake sourly pointed out. It's not false. Just not the best thing to bring up around the superior-inferiority complex. Like saying that you are about to retire when being a cop in a movie. Not how one survives a horror movie. Enough trope talk, time to play more UNO! Drake Mallard played a yellow number card. Ironic in a way. Speaking of yellow recolors, Jim Starling drew another card before insulting some more, "I would tell you "eat SHIT and die" but that'd cannibalism."

"Not that I'm telling you not to."

Question, Does it count as cannibalism if Negaduck eats a sewer rat? 

I'm sure he already has. There really isn't much else to eat. It's the sewers. Anyways, back to UNO. Who's turn is it anyway? Never mind, I'll just have Drake play again and work from there. Drake Mallard picked a card and immediately played it, a yellow draw two. It was for Jim Starling. Jim drew two cards, cleared his throat. He shouted at DW while clawing at the air, "Stay still so I can rip that stupid, Hollywood, face off your skull!" Lucky for Mallard that Launchpad McQuack is as strong as he looks and that Negaduck is reluctant to harm said pilot. 

Jim pushed the arm down to get to Drake. He had, strangely, forgotten about that sunshine hurts thing. Now he remembered that rather well as Jim Starling saw Launchpad McQuack touching his legs. He jumped backwards into a wall, hitting his head hard enough to make a dent in said wall. Which makes me question something, how long has it been since Jim Starling was touched by another person in a not murder way? That seems like a factor in this. All the cards flew into the air on this jump. Whelp, this game is done. Strip UNO, as soon as I can get everything calmed down. 

Wait, I have to check on something first. Nobody had a secret draw four wild card. That's disappointing. Okay, back to ducks. Where were we? Oh yeah, Starling was a shooting star for a moment. What's he doing now? There was a loud chainsaw noise. "Stay still so I can cut you into a bloody pile, moronic rip off." Jim snapped. Well actually I'd he snapped a long time ago but there's not that many angry saids I remember... Yeah, dealing with this. McQuack grabbed him, starting that hero screech already, "You don't have to become this, this isn't who you are!"

"Let go of me! I'm doing this for you, I've done all of this for YOU!!" Jim Starling disagreed in the most cliche way. Don't do grim and gritty, kiddies. "What do you mean by "I'm doing this for you?"" Launchpad was caught off by these words. I don't have context for how not clear those words are. Maybe it's because Author powers blind but it seems all rather clear as crystals. Jim didn't speak any further on the matter as he jumped out a window. Not the first time. 

Bye, Jim. You damn fuckwit. 

The End.


End file.
